This Bold Renegade Carves A “Z” With His Blade…

“Oh my gosh!” I screamed suddenly, making Kate jump, “A yellow school bus! I thought they only had those in the movies!”
“No,” Kate said, “They’re real. I used to catch one to school everyday.”
“Cool!” I said, my eyes full of wonder.

The most surprising thing about LA is that it looks exactly as it does in the movies. Every street is a familiar film location; every person an actor you’ve seen on screen but can’t remember the name of, and every situation feels like it was ripped straight from a movie. Kids really do ride on yellow school buses, teenagers do use plastic red drink cups at house parties, thin blonde girls with huge sunglasses carry gigantic Starbucks coffees everywhere they go, and I’m pretty sure somewhere out there, a frat party is happening.

Walking down Hollywood Boulevard I have to check behind buildings to make sure they aren’t just cardboard sets, and it doesn’t help that Spiderman, Marilyn Monroe, Charlie Chaplin and Maverick from “Top Gun” all hang out there. The last time I was on Hollywood Boulevard, I felt like I had stumbled behind the scenes of some bizarre movie. Flash Gordon invited me to his comedy show (who knew he was funny?), the Hulk walked awkwardly across the road, narrowly missing cars but not seeming too angry about it; and I realized Zorro lives two streets away after I spied him going into his home, costume and all. I don’t know why, but I do feel safer knowing I live so close to a masked swordsman.

But if Hollywood is really one big film set, then I’d be the bumbling extra, knocking over expensive equipment, accidentally getting in shot, and making the stars feel uncomfortable by being too earnest. While in Australia I am considered (relatively) normal, apparently in America I’m embarrassing, and stick out as a honky bit player amongst the professionals.

The scene: a classic Superbowl party, as seen in countless Hollywood TV shows and movies. Alicia Malone, a plucky Australian, comes up with the inventive plan of making her own jersey for the event, and also for an American football themed TV shoot. She grabs her flatmate’s Australian Olympic T-shirt, (which happens to have the same colours as one of the teams playing) and ingeniously customizes it with some sticky tape and a scrap of paper, on which she has enthusiastically scrawled the team’s name: “PACKERS!”
Filming done for the day, she hops on her bike, chuckling to herself as she imagines how she will be the hit of the party. From what Alicia has seen in the movies, she knows everyone will be dressed up, but surely no one else will have their own customized jersey.
Arriving at the party, she is greeted at the door by her friend and introduced to everyone gathered on the couches and floors around the TV. Not being able to contain her excitement, Alicia opens up her jacket and yells to the crowd, “Look, I made my own jersey!”
Fifteen pairs of eyes slowly turn to look at this strange new person. It is only then that Alicia realizes no one else is dressed up in any kind of ‘theme’. Somewhere in the background, crickets chirp.

Placing my jacket back on, I settled into a corner. This was almost as confusing as when an LA reporter told me that the robot (my signature dance move) would not be considered cool here, and another warned me not to take my shoes off in a nightclub in order to do the moonwalk. But… how did he expect me to do it in heels?

Thankfully everyone at the party was extremely nice and welcoming of the foreign invasion. After I revealed to the guy next to me that this was the first time I had seen an American football game, and I had no idea what was happening, he patiently explained (and re-explained) the rules to me. Which, it turns out, are a lot more complicated than they seem in the movies.

I tried to join in, making a few comments here and there, improvising as best I could. I thought I had redeemed myself when one of the guys I had barely spoken to came up to give me a hug goodbye. Excited, I jumped in there. Maybe he was impressed with my jersey making skills after all! But when he uttered a surprised “Oh!” I realized he had actually just been going for a handshake. Feeling myself going bright red, I did my best to act my way out of the gaffe.
“Umm… I’m Australian, we like to hug everyone!”
“Okay…” he said, seemingly unconvinced.
Well, we are a friendly nation. That was true.

Despite Australia and America being so similar, they can be quite different in many ways. The standard Aussie kiss on cheek maneuver is regarded as a strangely intimate thing to do to someone you barely know, and while my self deprecating humour is absolutely hilarious at home, here in the land of talking up your talents, they tend to take it seriously and just feel sorry for me. On the red carpets here, amongst a sea of tall, thin, hair-extension-wearing, tanned, slick entertainment reporters; I stick out with my short hair, pale skin, quirky sense of humour and embarrassing antics.

But maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. After all, here in Hollywood the sexy starlets may get on the Best Dressed lists and score the romantic lead, but it’s the character actors who get the interesting roles and take home the awards.

Or end up on Hollywood Boulevard dressed as Zorro.

Leash, just started reading your blog. Luv it.

Ah Zorro too…we ran into him too. Since he’s practically your neighbour, you should totally interview him. Seriously, get the backstory, get a whole collection of stories from those would-be stars clinging to the Hollywood dream…collectively could be a great doco project!

Anyways on other matters..will be back in LA next month for work; will email you to see if you want accred for carpet x

February 16th, 2011

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